More Fitting Title Soon To Come
by tappret43
Summary: A collection of story fragments and oneshots revolving a humanstuck! AU
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

CG: TEREZI, ARE YOU THERE? I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

GC: WH4TS TH3 3M3RG3NCY?

CG: MY DAD STARTED DATING SOMEONE…

GC: WH4TS TH3 PROBL3M?

CG: IT'S NEPETA'S MOM.

GC: S3R1OUSLY?

GC: SM4LL WORLD

CG: TOO SMALL.

CG: GOD, KANKRI WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR FUTURE TOGETHER AND IF THEY GET MARRIED.

GC: MS. L31JON 1S N1C3. YOUD B3 LUCKY TO H4V3 H3R FOR 4 ST3PMOTH3R

GC: 1 B3T N3P3T4 WOULD M4K3 4 N1C3 ST3PS1ST3R

CG: OH GOD. STOP. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

GC: PR3TTY SOON, 1T M1GHT B3 YOUR L1F3! G3T US3D TO 1T NOW, 1 S4Y

CG: I NEED TO TAKE THIS TO KANAYA OR ROSE OR SOMETHING. YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

GC: :?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: KANAYA

CG: KANAYA, ARE YOU THERE?

CG: GODDAMMIT STOP MAKING OUT WITH ROSE AND ANSWER ME!

GA: What Do You Need Karkat

CG: OH NO, PLEASE GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING. MY SERIOUS PROBLEM CAN WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH YOUR MATING RITUAL WITH LALONDE.

GA: What Is Your Problem

CG: NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. I WOULD *HATE* TO DISTRACT YOU FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND OF THREE WEEKS. YOUR FRIEND OF SIXTEEN YEARS WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU TO REMEMBER AFTER YOUR PREOCCUPATION RETURNS HOME AT CURFEW.

CG: OH, DID I ALSO MENTION WE ARE FAMILY? SO YEAH. I'LL BE HERE.

CG: TAKE YOUR TIME, KANAYA.

GA: Just Tell Me Already

GA: God Must You Always Be So Dramatic

GA: You Have My Attention

GA: Say Your Piece

CG: OKAY.

CG: OUR FAMILY IS EXPANDING

GA: Im So Happy For You

GA: When Is The Due Date

CG: SHUT UP, KANAYA. I'M SERIOUS.

GA: As Am I

GA: Is It A Boy Or A Girl

CG: KANAYA, STOP!

CG: MY DAD IS DATING SOMEONE

GA: I Dont See Why You Need My Help Yet

CG: YOU DON'T SEE A *HUGE* FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THIS?

GA: No

CG: ALRIGHT. ALLOW ME TO SWEETEN THE POT OF THE HORROR THAT IS THE TRUTH OF MY FATHER'S PERSONAL LIFE

GA: Oh Do Go Ahead And Do That

CG: HE'S DATING NEPETA'S MOM.

GA: Look Karkat

GA: I Would Love To Continue This Ridiculous Conversation With You

GA: But I Suddenly Became Very Busy

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE

CG: I CAN DEAL WITH THIS WITHOUT YOU.

GA: Yes You Can

CG: SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO MAKING OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

GA: Gladly

carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

"¡Karkat! ¡Venga abajo!" His brother, Kankri's voice carried up to Karkat's room from the foyer, reaching him just before he found another friend to chat with.

"La cena está lista. Please do not keep us waiting." He sounded more impatient, and Karkat was afraid he knew the cause of the apparent rush.

Of course. His father's girlfriend was over for dinner. And let's not forget her… endearing children. He closed his laptop and hurried down the stairs, greeted at the bottom by his brother, who was shooing him into the dining room.

He took his seat next to Nepeta, the youngest Leijon daughter. She was fidgeting with the tassels on her bright blue cat-eared hat. It had been a gift from Karkat's father for her birthday, and she never took it off, a constant reminder of her intrusion on his family; that was how Karkat saw it, at least. She was sweet, cute, and charming, everything Karkat wasn't, and he hated it.

Across from him sat Meulin, Nepeta's deaf older sister. She was about Kankri's age and got along with him famously, much better than he did with Karkat. He couldn't help but feel a bit envious of their relationship. Karkat wasn't nearly that friendly with Nepeta, who was almost a year and a half younger than him. Admittedly it was his own fault that he and Nepeta weren't very close. Whenever she reached out, he would shut her down using whatever excuse he had to. He could hardly stand being around her.

"Hi, Karkitty," Nepeta chirped, always the pleasure to see him. She smiled sweetly and he cringed. How was she always so damn happy?

"It's been a while since we've all been together like this, huh?" Karkat cringed. "And just think– we're gonna start doing this all the time!" He put his head in his hands and prayed that someone would just shoot him right there.

"Dinners are gonna be so fun! Oh! My mom has a lot of Taiwanese recipes at home. We could make them sometime!" Dear Lord, make it stop. "Does your family make Mexican recipes? I bet homemade Mexican food would be so good! Have you ever tried-" Nepeta continued, leaving Karkat no option but to lay his head down on the table.

"Karkat! Get your head off of the table! We have guests," Kankri scolded, his posture and expression calm, it wasn't hard to tell when he was at the end of his rope. Karkat reluctantly complied, sitting up and asking God for the strength to sit through Kankri's prayer, let alone through the rest of the meal. Nepeta never seemed to run out of air, keeping up conversation with everyone at the table but Karkat.

As soon as the meal was finished and banter calmed down, Karkat immediately excused himself, clearing his place and retreating back into his own room without another word. He fell down onto his bed and groaned. There was no way he could keep doing this for the rest of his life. Their parents were perfect for each other, and Meulin fit right in, but the thought of having a new, clingy little sister was simply upsetting.

He eventually got bored of feeling sorry for himself for having such an unfair life, and went back to his laptop.

There had to be someone he could talk to. Let's see…

gallowsCalibrator is online

Terezi already proved to be no help at all. Next.

ectoBiologist is online

John? While he was the exact opposite of Terezi, practically her mortal enemy, he probably wasn't what Karkat was looking for. Next.

turntechGodhead is online

Oh hell no. Not a fucking chance. Next.

grimAuxiliatrix is offline

Oh, of course she was. Karkat knew her girlfriend was probably offline, too. Too bad. She always knew what to say in these situations, even if it wasn't quite what he wanted to hear.

New message from ectoBiologist

Ughhhh.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

EB: hey karkat!

CG: EGBERT.

EB: i just found an amazing movie!

EB: i didn't read the book it's based off of, but i'm about fifteen minutes in, and it's amazing!

CG: AND I CARE, WHY..?

EB: well i thought you'd like it!

EB: it's about this girl anastasia, right?

EB: so she's doing like this interview for her friend because her friend is sick

EB: and then she meets this super mysterious guy!

EB: it's getting really good

CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING, JOHN?

EB: no? i don't usually watch this genre!

EB: anyway, i thought you'd like it. you're always watching those romance movies!

CG: JESUS CHRIST.

CG: I AM LEAVING THIS CONVERSATION.

CG: FEEL FREE TO NOT LIVE TEXT YOUR MOVIE EXPERIENCE WITH ME. I HAVE SHIT TO DO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

EB: karkat?

EB: oh, fuck you!

Finally, Karkat got back to business. There had to be someone else he could talk to. Who else was left?

arachnidsGrip is offline

Not like Vriska was great company anyway. Karkat hadn't caught up with her in a bit, though. Kanaya occasionally mentioned her when they spoke, but he didn't really know what she was up to these days. Next.

gardenGnostic is offline

Of course, Jade was probably in bed already. Damn, did that girl love her shuteye. She was never known to get less than 11 hours of sleep each night, much to her friends' dismay.

Even if she was awake, Karkat reasoned, the two hadn't left things on very good terms, and Karkat wasn't quite ready to rehash all that right now.

With nobody else to consider, Karkat found himself at a crossroads. He could get off his computer and bore himself to death before admitting defeat and finally going downstairs to join his family on whatever the hell they were doing. Not the most appealing option, he had to admit. But it was that, or message…. him.

Yes, him. The embarrassingly straight white boy that, while still his best bro, was the love of his fucking life.

The two had been close for years, joined at the hip for most of them. The only thing that kept them from practically getting married was a buck-toothed idiot named John Egbert. He would interrupt "moments," and he was an expert at buddy-zoning people for each other.

Not to mention his first serious girlfriend was the backstabbing bully from Karkat's childhood. It was like John was intent on ruining his life.

After weighing pros and cons and, eventually, accepting his role as a total tool, he clicked his chumhandle. Here went nothing.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY STRIDER.

TG: sup

CG: ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING INTERESTING?

TG: why do you care

CG: BECAUSE I'M BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND AND I NEED A REASON TO ESCAPE "FAMILY FUN-TIMES"

CG: I SWEAR IF I HEAR NEPETA CALL ME KARKITTY ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF.

CG: SO STOP WHATEVER "SICK BEATS" YOU'RE MIXING AND TALK TO ME BEFORE I GO INSANE.

TG: i almost forgot what a goddamn pleasure it is to talk to you

CG: YES. YOU'RE VERY FUNNY. I GET IT.

CG: NOW CUT THE WISE GUY SHIT AND TALK TO ME.

TG: jesus ok

TG: uh

TG: i dont know

TG: how was your day

CG: TERRIBLE. ALLOW ME TO ELABORATE.

TG: oh boy

Dave Strider liked to believe he was a patient person, trying to keep his cool at all times and be tolerant towards others. Then Karkat would message him.

Dave took his headphones off and stood up from his desk. He hadn't been listening to music per se, but loud thumping beats. He liked how they felt, despite not being able to hear squat. He unlocked his phone and carried it with him out of his bedroom to the kitchen, occasionally checking at Karkat's messages to see if he had finished his story.

Sitting on the sofa nearby was his cousin, Roxy. She visited quite often from across town to see Rose, his sister. While the two weren't as close, Dave and Roxy could understand each other pretty damn well. Hell, they had even gotten matching hearing aids.

"Hey, Dave!"

Roxy always spoke loudly, but Dave couldn't mind. Besides, she hardly heard herself. He smiled at her and saluted, turning back to his phone for a moment. When he looked back at his cousin, she was waving at him to get his attention. When she caught his eye, she immediately began to sign, asking Dave what he was doing, where his sister was, and how he'd been.

It was always disappointing to end a Rox-versation©, mostly because she was the most fluent in his language, as it was hers, too. Plus, she was much easier to impress than his sister. Having a further familial tie made relationships seem less intimidating to him, like he could tell Roxy anything and by the next time she visited, all feelings and thoughts about it will have dissipated. It was a bit enabling when he thought about it, but he could live with that.

Eventually, he remembered Karkat and put their conversation on pause, checking his messages. 26. Oh boy...

CG: …SO BASICALLY, I HATE MY FAMILY, BLAH BLAH BLAH, TEENAGE ANGST, BLAH FUCKING BLAH.

CG: MY POINT IS, I'M FREE TONIGHT. DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?

TG: so thats where you were going with all this

TG: you sure took your sweet time with that one

TG: allow me the same courtesy as i consider my response

CG: OH HA HA DAVE. I'M ON THE FLOOR, ROLLING WHILE LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF.

TG: sounds painful

CG: WHATEVER. DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING OR NOT, WISE GUY?

TG: what like you dont have a date with john or something

CG: I TRIED MESSAGING HIM BUT HE WON'T REPLY.

CG: HELL, HE'S PROBABLY OFF SUCKING FACE WITH VRISKA FOR ALL I KNOW.

CG: SO NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO NOT "HAVE A DATE" WITH EGBERT.

CG: ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET TIRED OF CALLING US BOYFRIENDS?

TG: alright calm down

TG: no i wont

TG: but in all seriousness

TG: sure you can come over

TG: rose is gonna be home soon so thatll take care of roxy

CG: ROXY'S OVER *AGAIN*?

TG: come on shes not that bad

TG: shes just been going through some stuff

TG: lay off her a little

CG: SURE. FINE. WHATEVER.

CG: WHEN CAN I COME OVER?


End file.
